Wednesday, July 12, 2017

dishwasher 101

DISHWASHER 101

So, in therapy I am talking about my knees 
and my life.
Basically, I'm talking about how bad my knees hurt
and how much I need to get them fixed, and how I'm NOT DOING ANYTHING ABOUT IT.

My word for this is inertia, which means
"a tendency to do nothing or to remain unchanged."


Everyone in the world I have talked to
 who has had their knees replaced
 says the same thing:
"Don't wait! I wish I had done them years ago."

I haven't talked to a single negative person.
I have however, read a few horror stories
on the internet, which scared me.

 I'm also the strong one.
I am the tough one. The stoic one.
I take care of everyone.
 I don't want anyone (especially my husband)
taking care of me for however long it takes.

So, the long range goal is to get my knees fixed.

The short range goals are different.
We talk about how I have taken care of everyone
for a long time - except for myself.
I don't practice SELF-CARE. 

So, in order to practice self-care,
I went to the doctor today and got
paperwork for bloodwork, a mammogram,
colonoscopy, you know, all the good, fun stuff.

Now to just get it done.

The therapist and I also talked about cooking.
Which sounds weird, I know.


I love to cook.
I HATE HATE to clean up the kitchen.
I mean, I would rather do almost anything
than clean up a dirty kitchen.
And there's a reason for that.

When you're a wife and mother,
you spend a lot of time in the kitchen.
Planning meals, cooking meals, making messes,
cleaning up, washing, drying, putting away.
And I don't know about anyone else, but for me, 
I am always the LAST one to sit down and eat.
Without fail. And I am tired.
And my knees are painful at the end of cooking.

So in talking to my therapist, I had a revelation.
I HAVE A DISHWASHER!


A brand new dishwasher that has been sitting
in my kitchen for three years and has
been used once.
And still has two pans in it from the one time
I used it.
My therapist sort of looked at me like I was nuts.

"You have a dishwasher?"
"Yes."
"That is brand new and has only been used once?"
"Yes."
"And STILL has dishes in it from that first wash?
"Yes."
"And you hate doing the dishes?"
"Yes."
"Have you thought about using the dishwasher to help you clean up the kitchen?"
"No."
"Hmmm."

I guess I am not the sharpest tool in the shed.

So Assignment #1 for the week is, guess what?
USE THE DISHWASHER. Duh.
I think I can do that.

The other thing we talked about was eating.


I told her that my husband keeps late hours
and eats at "interesting" times.
Like breakfast at 12pm, sometimes no lunch,
and dinner at 9pm.
Which is so bad for me.
He often goes to bed at 1am or later.
Bad, bad, bad for me.
Because I am starting to follow his habits.

My husband has also told me to eat what I want
at whatever time I want and he will get his own food.

So Assignment #2 is to eat my own way.
Which is less meat, lots of salads, fruit, veggies.
And at the times I want.
And eat it early and go to bed earlier.

I can try to do that.

So, I would like to hear from people
who ACTUALLY use their dishwasher.
How often and what dishes do you put in?
Do you pre-rinse?
When do you empty?
My husband says he will empty the dishwasher 
and put the dishes away if I will load it up.

Now, that's teamwork!

Having a therapist is a very great thing.











Wednesday, July 5, 2017

opening my eyes....

Therapy

One good thing about therapy.... 

Well, actually there are many good things about therapy, 
but the main one for me is that it makes me
think about things. Lots of things.
I have a week between each session and I
am becoming more aware of little things that I do
that make up a whole lot of why I am the way I am.
Does that make sense?


The way I sabotage myself.
The way I react to situations.
The way I like to lay blame on everyone but ME.
The way I make excuses.
The way I don't practice self-care.
The way I close my eyes to life.

I have constant knee pain and am 
fatigued a lot of the time and those are
reasons for my inertia and lack of motivation.

I feel like I'm stuck and just can't make myself move.
I often feel like things are just too much trouble.
And that makes me grumpy.
Among other things.

So, in therapy, we are talking about why I
am hanging onto my weight and why I'm 
putting off getting my knees replaced.
(Plan - write a letter to my weight)

We talk about the delicious and healthy
food I buy and then let it rot in the fridge while I eat junk.
(Plan - buy less food, have less guilt about it)

We talk about how I can buy a bag of Hershey Kisses
or cookies and I have to eat them until they're all gone.
Doesn't matter if I'm full.
Doesn't matter if they don't taste good.
As long as I know they're here,
I will eat them.
(Plan - buy just a few, put them on a plate and savor)
Not feeling too confident about this one.

We talk about how eating sweet and salty things
was a way that I nurtured myself when I
was sixteen, pregnant, and hiding it.
And I'm STILL using food as a way to nurture myself.
Because that's what I know.
(No Plan Yet)

Food can't hurt you.
It doesn't talk back.
It makes you feel good (for a little while)

We talk about how I can have the best 
 intentions but when that urge to eat comes, 
I will find a way to fulfill it, no matter what!
It almost sounds like an addiction.
Wait, is it an addiction?

We talk about my negative self talk.
And my five core values.

They are:

~Independence
~Integrity
~Respect
~Challenge
~Affection
(more on these later)

I actually have seven:
Privacy/Community

As an artist, I feel an intense need for privacy.
 But I also need husband, family, and art friend time.
 A dilemma.

We talk about my work.
How important it is to me.
I HAVE to paint.
That's all there is to it.
So we talk about how to find
a balance between work and family.

And I did two affirmative things today:


I ate a salad for lunch/dinner.
And I ate it before 6pm,
Go me!

The other stuff will come later.
One step at a time.
And slow and steady.
Got a long way to go before I figure myself out.



Friday, June 30, 2017

get ready

Get Ready - I'm Coming Back!




Weight loss, health, therapy, healing, food, exercise,
 self-care, meditation, life

I will never give up.....