Wednesday, July 5, 2017

opening my eyes....


One good thing about therapy.... 

Well, actually there are many good things about therapy, 
but the main one for me is that it makes me
think about things. Lots of things.
I have a week between each session and I
am becoming more aware of little things that I do
that make up a whole lot of why I am the way I am.
Does that make sense?

The way I sabotage myself.
The way I react to situations.
The way I like to lay blame on everyone but ME.
The way I make excuses.
The way I don't practice self-care.
The way I close my eyes to life.

I have constant knee pain and am 
fatigued a lot of the time and those are
reasons for my inertia and lack of motivation.

I feel like I'm stuck and just can't make myself move.
I often feel like things are just too much trouble.
And that makes me grumpy.
Among other things.

So, in therapy, we are talking about why I
am hanging onto my weight and why I'm 
putting off getting my knees replaced.
(Plan - write a letter to my weight)

We talk about the delicious and healthy
food I buy and then let it rot in the fridge while I eat junk.
(Plan - buy less food, have less guilt about it)

We talk about how I can buy a bag of Hershey Kisses
or cookies and I have to eat them until they're all gone.
Doesn't matter if I'm full.
Doesn't matter if they don't taste good.
As long as I know they're here,
I will eat them.
(Plan - buy just a few, put them on a plate and savor)
Not feeling too confident about this one.

We talk about how eating sweet and salty things
was a way that I nurtured myself when I
was sixteen, pregnant, and hiding it.
And I'm STILL using food as a way to nurture myself.
Because that's what I know.
(No Plan Yet)

Food can't hurt you.
It doesn't talk back.
It makes you feel good (for a little while)

We talk about how I can have the best 
 intentions but when that urge to eat comes, 
I will find a way to fulfill it, no matter what!
It almost sounds like an addiction.
Wait, is it an addiction?

We talk about my negative self talk.
And my five core values.

They are:

(more on these later)

I actually have seven:

As an artist, I feel an intense need for privacy.
 But I also need husband, family, and art friend time.
 A dilemma.

We talk about my work.
How important it is to me.
I HAVE to paint.
That's all there is to it.
So we talk about how to find
a balance between work and family.

And I did two affirmative things today:

I ate a salad for lunch/dinner.
And I ate it before 6pm,
Go me!

The other stuff will come later.
One step at a time.
And slow and steady.
Got a long way to go before I figure myself out.

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